


To Be Alive

by Takkey



Series: To Be [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Please Be careful, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 21:46:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18269900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Takkey/pseuds/Takkey
Summary: Sometime he think that life is too harsh. It’s so harsh that he’s only 19 when he was standing on the side of the rooftop thinking how amazing it is to finally get his freedom. It’s so harsh that Changbin is only 17 when he was cursing loudly and whisk Chan so fast from the railing. It’s so harsh that Jisung is only 16 when he was crying so hard while hugging Chan so tightly on that rooftop. It’s so harsh that three of them are crying so hard on that rooftop while everyone else are celebrating chuseok with their family. And now he really think that life is too harsh that he have to see his 17 years old brother sleeping under a hospital blanket on a suicide watch.





	To Be Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Please be careful and read the tags before reading this. Your safety is much more important than anything else.

Sometime Chan think that life is too harsh. It’s so harsh that he’s only 19 when he was standing on the side of the rooftop thinking how amazing it is to finally get his freedom. It’s so harsh that Changbin is only 17 when he was cursing loudly and whisk Chan so fast from the railing. It’s so harsh that Jisung is only 16 when he was crying so hard while hugging Chan so tightly on that rooftop. It’s so harsh that three of them are crying so hard on that rooftop while everyone else are celebrating chuseok with their family. And now he really think that life is too harsh that he have to see his 17 years old brother sleeping under a hospital blanket on a suicide watch.

——-

Chan is siting beside Felix bed with his hand grabbing the younger’s hand. Everyone else are standing around the bed, with all their heart shattered. 

Just a few hours ago they found Felix laying in the bathroom with his wrist cut deeply and bleeding along with other lines nonstop. Everyone panicked, Seungmin and Hyunjin dragged Jeongin out of the room, Chan and Jisung instantly crouched to check on the younger Aussie, and Woojin called the ambulance while Minho called one of the staff from the company. Changbin who got home later found the messy dorm with his members crying and Chan and Felix nowhere to be found. He quietly asked what happened and Woojin answered him and tell him that in a few minute one of the company staff will drive them to the hospital. 

After they got to the hospital, they found Chan sitting on one of the uncomfortable hospital’s chair with his head down. They instantly joined their leader waiting for their youngest dancer. And after a few hour a doctor call the company staff and Chan to his room to explain about Felix condition. He said that he will be okay but they will put him on the suicide watch for a few days so he will need to stay on the hospital. He recommend them to make appointment with a therapist for Felix which both Chan and the company staff agreed.

After explaining Felix condition to the other, the company staff told them that he need to talk about this with the company and asked them if they want to stay here. Everyone agreed to stay so the company staff leave them there and told them that he will be back later to pick them up. 

After few hour of waiting, Felix finally woke up slowly and everyone is there for him.

“Lix.. Hey we’re all here” Felix moves his gaze to see Chan, staring at him with fondness. 

“Chris..” Chan’s eyebrow frowns a little hearing how hoarse Felix’s voice is but he’s still smiling. “Yeah, i’m here Felix”

“I’m sorry..” everyone’s heart clenched when they hear the english word from Felix, especially after seeing a tear falling from the younger aussie’s eye. 

“Why are you sorry? You’re not at fault here” Chan said with a soft voice, while patting Felix’s head. 

“How can you said that when i’m the one who try to kill myself?” Not everyone on the room understand what Felix has just said because it was in english, but they know it’s not a good thing when they can see that everyone who understand english on their group flinched. Seungmin bit his lip trying to stop himself from crying but everyone can see how glassy his eyes is from the tears pooling inside. It hurts to hear your friend confirmed that they’re trying to take their own life.

“Buddy it will never be your fault. You’re also hurting” Felix shake his head and keep crying. He look at Chan’s eyes and when he saw a pair of pained eyes he feels million ton of guilt crawling on his back.

“I— i’m sorry— i, i didn’t mean to hurt you guys. Bu—but it’s just so tiring— and it, it’s so hard—“ Felix breathing got more ragged with each words that Chan instantly put his hand on the younger’s cheek. “Hey, hey calm down. It’s okay. We’re okay and you’re gonna be okay. You trust me right?” Felix stares at his leader’s face and hearing his voice filled with assurance actually calmed him down. He nods at Chan’s question which Chan replied with a smile. 

“Felix you are so important to us you know that right?” Felix held his breath back hearing Seungmin’s words. He grips the blanket harder. He snapped his heads up when he feel seungmin’s hand lay above his own hand staring at his friend.

“Lix, we’re really sorry if we make you think otherwise but we really love you. We’re sorry that we’re not there for you when we can clearly see you’re hurting” felix shakes his hard denying seungmin’s words. “No, no you guys don’t have to apologize. It’s all on me please don’t blame yourself”

“But Felix we can see you’ve overworked yourself. You rarely sleep and you barely eat nowadays. We all see that but none of us even try to help you because we’re all too caught up with ourself when we’re supposed to be a team” Felix lower his gaze still feeling guilty. 

“But that’s exactly why.. you guys have your own problem to solve that i don’t need to burden you furthermore. You guys are capable of shouldering your problems then why can’t i? It’s on me guys, this is because i’m not strong enough..” Felix said with a small voice. He feels bad that he’s making the other feel bad. 

“And that’s where you are wrong Felix. I talk to bin-hyung about my problem and even jeongin talks to you about his problem. It become more bearable because you know someone listen to your problem. Sometimes it’s not about solving it, it’s more about getting it out of your chest” Jisung said to Felix. But felix keep his gaze low and biting his lip. He plays with the blanket feeling uncomfortable. He knows that Jisung is right. But he can’t help but to feel that his problems are too stupid to share. He’s not worth it.

Chan observes the younger behavior. He can see Felix thinking. He looks like that he want to say something but he held it back. Chan tap Felix hand to stop him from playing the blanket and to actually look at him. Felix turn his head to look at Chan with unsure expression.

“Felix.. why can’t you talk to us about your problem? Are we not trustworthy?” Felix widen his eye and instantly denies it. “NO! Of course no! You guys are the one who i trust the most in here!” Felix stopped for a minute, contemplating his next words. He’s not sure if he can share it with the group. 

“Then why Felix?” Felix lower his gaze again, doesn’t want to look at his friends. “It’s just.. it’s stupid problems.. i don’t feel worthy to be on your burden list.. i don’t want to drag you down..” 

“Felix, you will never be a burden to us. Does Jeongin burden you when he tell you about his problem?” Chan asked him with a firm voice. Felix answers it with a small head shake. “Then you know that you’ll never be a burden to any of us” felix stays silent, still not believing his leader’s words. Jeongin who’s standing in his leg side on his bed pat his leg making him to turn his eye to the maknae. Jeongin gives him a determined face trying to convince his hyung but Felix just lower his gaze back to the blanket.

“Felix.. answer me truthfully. Have you ever feel that you’re not worthy to be on the team?” Felix flinched hearing Chan’s question. His silence answered everything. Everyone in the room held their breath knowing what Felix’s silence means. Jisung gasped at the realization and put his hand on his mouth, trying to hold his sobs. Minho who is standing beside Jisung put his arm around him to give him some support while himself also feel dejected. Hyunjin grabs Woojin hands tightly trying to shows no reaction but failed when his eyes got glassy and a tear falls from his eye.

“Felix..”

“I’m so sorry..”

“How.. how can you think like that?” Seungmin asked with a hint of hurt on his voice. 

Then Felix broke down. He cried with his shoulder shaking so hard. He put his hand on his face ashamed to be seen like this. He pull his leg closer to his body trying to hide his shameful self.

“I’m so sorry— it’s just— i,i never feel like i’m good at anything. I, there’s so many people in the company who said so— so many of them said that Chan took me in only because i’m a fellow aussie— out of pity— i, i don’t— i’m sucks at Korean, i can’t sing, i can’t rap, and my dance are not that good, then why— why am i in this group of people with millions of talents if it’s not out of pity?” Felix takes a large breath then continue. “I— i don’t want to drag you guys down. I don’t want to hear people said that Chan gone soft because of me anymore— i, i don’t have many friend in the company beside you guys and Steven. But with Steven gone, i can’t help but to feel that i’ll be the next one who will get cut. I don’t want to make you guys care about me if in the end i’ll be gone anyway..” 

The last sentence just snapped something inside Chan that he instantly pull Felix to his chest and hug him tightly. “Felix, Felix, god Felix. No, everything you said are wrong, and i’ll never let that happen to you” Felix are now sobbing hard in Chan’s chest. He fisted his hand on Chan’s shirt trying to hold on scared that he’ll be gone. Everyone in the room are now crying. Hearing that Felix cares so much about the team more than he cares about himself somehow hurt them so much. 

“I— i never want to be a leech on you guys. Everyone knows that Chan-hyung is an amazing artist alongside with Bin-hyung and Jisung. Hyunjin are an extraordinary dancer with his gracefulness and— and Minho-hyung used to be part of a famous dance crew and a backup dancer for bts. Woojin-hyung have his angelic and confident voice, Seungmin won the open audition with his vocal and is a model trainee, and Jeongin have thousand potential with his charming voice. Then who— who am i? I-i’m only a decent trainee with a deep voice— what am i to you guys? I don’t want people to say bad things about you guys because of me” Felix hugs Chan tighter shaking so hard. Chan now are also crying while stroking Felix’s head. 

“And— and there is this voices— voices in my head that— that just tell me how worthless i am. How i don’t deserve you guys— that— that i deserve to be hurt and th—that i better off dead—“ Chan buried himself on Felix shoulder hearing the last sentence. He knows those voices, he knows them very well because those voices are the same voices that also haunts him for many years. “I—i’m sorry that i hurt you guys, i never want to hurt you guys— i’m sorry for dragging—“”Felix stop, please. You will never drag us down when you care so much about us” Woojin stopped Felix from continuing his sentence. Woojin who is standing beside Chan is now stroking both Chan and Felix shoulder, trying to calm both aussie.

“Felix, i don’t know where you got all of that from, but you’re also an amazing dancer. Your dance are so powerful that everyone believe that you’ll break the stage. You bring the group a unique color with your voice range. You can control your voice so well, wether it’s your angelic singing voice or your deep growling rap. You have such an amazing focus and you work harder than everyone” woojin said with truthfulness on his voice. Everyone nods agreeing Woojin. Felix keeps crying. It’s not that he didn’t trust his group, it’s just hard to believe that he’s actually all of that. 

“Lixie.. you are so talented— i never see any trainee like you. You are so determined that even we, your teammate are sometimes got intimidated by your talent and potential” Jisung said between his sobs. “And don’t ever said that Chan hyung took you in out of pity and gone soft on you. Lix, he’s much harder on you than he is on everyone else. Even sometimes i have to told Chan-hyung to go easier on you. But he never did, and never even once you complained about Chan being hard on you” Changbin said. He knew that Chan purposely going harder on Felix because he personally know how hard is it for foreigner trainee to survive. He sometimes talk about it with Changbin.

“Hyung, don’t even start with you only leeching off from us. Hyung you’re so caring and so kind. You take care of me so well even though there’s not that many age gap between us. I can lean on you because i see you as a big brother. And i believe everyone here also love you as their brother because you’re too kind to be hated” Jeongin said with a chorus of ‘yes’, ‘yeah’ and ‘of course’ from the members. “You are our sunshine Lix, and that will never change” seungmin said.

Felix heart feel full hearing that many good word from people who he cares. He got calmer after a few minutes and slowly pull himself from Chan’s hug. The leader stares at him with unreadable expression. 

“Felix, i know that voices in your head. I know them so well because they also lives in my head” Felix widen his eyes, surprised with Chan’s words. “I have my own fights with them Felix. I can’t tell you how to actually get rid of them because i believe there is no way to do that” Chan then put both his hand on Felix’s shoulders.

“But Felix now i know how to work with them. I know how to make those stupid voices more bearable. And that is by getting help from someone else” Felix looks confused. Chan sigh and look at the others. “I might never tell you guys the details but i’ve told you all i have severe depression. And Felix, i have been in this situation back then just in a different circumstances” Now Felix just stares at his leaders face trying to process his words. He knows Chan have depression, that’s why there are bad day and good day for him. Everyone knows that. But what does Chan means with he has been in this situation? Have he ever try to.. 

“Yes. I have wanted to kill myself once. But before i even try to Binnie and Ji stopped me from doing so” Everyone in the room beside Changbin and Jisung gasped shocked with the new revelation. Felix snapped his head to Changbin and Jisung, who both lower their gaze. He can see Changbin clenched his fist and he can hear Jisung sobs getting louder. 

“Hyung.. how..” Felix said with a small voice, still shocked. Chan bit his lip then look at Changbin. Changbin nods at him, then Chan look back to Felix’s face. “Lix.. i tried to jump off a building, but then Binnie just pulled me back. And after that Jisung just hugged me so tight and keep saying that i’m okay” Felix saw the leader’s shoulder slouched after saying that, as if he’s ashamed of what happened. He then take chan’s hand and grabs it. 

“Not that many people know beside some trainers and staffs because Changbin told them. And i never share it with anybody else because i’m not proud of it. That’s why none of you know about this. After that it’s just a lot of therapy and as time goes by, i can say proudly that here i am” said Chan. Felix gape his mouth. He want to say something but he didn’t know what to say.

“Felix, having someone beside you will help you tremendously. I don’t know what will happen to me if Binnie and Ji are not here. And that’s why i opened up to you guys about my depression, because i know i can trust you guys. Having people helping you does not makes you weak, it’s not something to be ashamed” Felix lower his gaze again, thinking about Chan’s words. He can feel chan’s hand grabs him back, trying to ensure him that it will be okay.

“I know it’s hard. And i can’t tell you that it’ll be easy after this. But please know that we will be here for you” Lix turn his head to see the others and everyone nods at him, saying that they’re here for him. 

“Lix we love you so much. We will never leave you” Hyunjin said. “And we will help you with whatever it is Lix. So please talk to us” minho said after that. Felix now are speechless with his group. He looks back to Chan and he can see his leader smiling to him. He quickly pull Chan back to a hug and he bury his face on His chest. 

“Thank you. Thank you so much” Chan hug him back and nod at him. Everyone else get closer to the two and join them to form a big group hug. 

Felix feel so loved right now. He knows that the future might be rough for him, but at least he know he have eight brothers that he loved so much to accompany him. 

Chan knows that this is only the start for Felix. There will be many therapy to go trough, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There will be more self doubt and self hatred. But Chan will always be here beside Felix to help him go trough it. Because he know Felix is strong will be able to fight it, because he knows that Felix is much stronger than him. If Chan can do it then Felix can definitely do it. Chan will slowly but surely teach Felix how to actually enjoy his life and be grateful for it.

Chan might still don’t know what it means to be alive, but right now he’s grateful that he’s alive. He hopes that the day will come for Felix to feel the same.

**Author's Note:**

> This is me Projecting my problem to Chan and Felix. I just need some platform to vent about it. I'm sorry if it's weird or anything like that. English is not my first language and i know already my grammar is shitty. 
> 
> Maybe i'll edit it again later to fix some mistakes if i'm not lazy. Thank you very much if you're reading this until the end.


End file.
